Matters of the Heart

“Self-love, my leige, is not so vile as self-neglecting.”

I have been asked this many many times before and it’s about time I address this topic. What topic? Well the topic of my personal love life my friends! But first I want to talk to you about what it’s like dating in this century or day in age if you will; but if you’re in a stable relationship then I am genuinely happy for you! (Exclude the fact I’m really awkward when anyone tries to hit on me.) Otherwise here me out fellow singles. Since when was it ever okay to have more than two people involved in what we call a “relationship”? Since when did we include third wheels, cheating, and playing with feelings into this equation? But it doesn’t end there! Oh no, there variations to this “relationship”. There are “flirtationships” and “partnerships”. In all honesty a partnership is another way to say we’ll make each other feel special but aren’t committing yet or at all because my success comes first. Serious flirtationships (when you flirt with each other until one of you catch feelings while the other doesn’t and moves on or gives up) however are the bane of existence or at least mine. It actually wasn’t too long ago this happened but I must say it really opened my eyes.

If you don’t feel like reading the long story then just know I’m not bashing love or relationships or even interacting with someone romantically, I’m just more careful and much more cautious now.

PINEAPPLE 1 is the he to this story.
How I feel About PINEAPPLE 1:

When I first met him I felt like I had warned him about my heart and my selfish nature and very much tried to pull him away. But the fact he came on strong and had stayed to talk to me for four months straight made me start to fall for him but once I started to fall he stopped talking to me. Then one day he stopped telling me about his day. He stopped telling me what he was doing that day. He stopped calling me babe that day. At one point I asked him how he felt. He told me to be patient with him and that he was going through a rough patch in his life and that I should see him through. And so I tried to understand. I messaged him on how he was doing one day and hey another but he would never respond. About week had passed and I tried again thinking things could be different. It was in fact different but not in the way I had hoped. He told me he HAD liked me and he HAD tried for me. I believed him because I knew he was telling the truth when he said this but the problem lies in the fact he told me he couldn’t like me any further and like a normal person and mentioned that he felt as if  he was meant only to destroy any form of romantic relationship he ever starts. It didn’t matter to me because to me it was another excuse to leave someone like me. Someone who anyone can be easily left because she has no feelings or deep emotions or didn’t matter or was of any significant importance. I felt as though he played with my feelings and manipulated me into thinking he wasn’t the cold and detached person that he was. He apologized nonetheless but it felt insincere in my opinion. He then asked if we could remain friends and I wanted to reject his offer immediately but I.. I hesitated over the thought. Could I really be friends with someone who didn’t even try to be mine in the very beginning let alone now? Someone I had started to fall for and who asked me to forget the fact we talked for those four months in an unfriendly fashion? I couldn’t. I let my selfishness take over. I can not hurt to please someone like him. I wanted him to wait for my reply by requesting he reply to my next text which I thought of never sending. But until this day I have random reoccurring thoughts of picking up where this “relationship” left off. The “relationship” in which he kept applying his maybes to. His strong declarations of future plans and goals. I think of the possibility of it never going back to the way it was even if I started over with him. I also considered the possibility that it would. I’m not sure yet how I feel with this situation and what exactly I want to do but I however hate being one to decide such a trivial situation although I know I must.  I have two options to be exact. But I don’t want to waste my time but I also don’t want to lose sight of any possible opportunity I might have missed either. So you see he, my so called love, had possibly never loved me and you can say I am waiting for him to realize those feelings of love so that he can understand my true feelings but I still wish him the best in this situation whether or not the person he loves will be me or someone he finds much better suited for himself. Either way I’ll be strong and when I’m ready to own up to him again, I shall and I shall not regret anything.

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