“He was taught to wear a mask of self-hate and self-doubt.” -Martin Luther King
Powerful words can do so much for a soul. Especially a soul that rejects to show anyone pain or hurt because you don’t wish to be pitied. Maybe even a soul that doesn’t seem to fit in anywhere and wanders aimlessly every second of every minute of every hour of everyday and every night, you wonder why you feel this way, can be souls that have lost something.
Metaphorically whether it is a mental or physical loss, we as humans lose our motivation, self-esteem, self-awareness, love, compassion, drive, inspiration, and the list goes on; whenever we have had a taste, hit, or even fallen into and beyond rock bottom that metallic taste of bitter disgust for ourselves or taste of nothing or of something plain fowl beyond description is looking is in the face and taunting is and asking us, “What are you going to do about it?”
From my personal experience, I was never self-aware of my emotions and how it affected others but I had friends who always felt them through me. It wasn’t until recently that I sought help for the reason I felt so different and didn’t know why I isolated myself from my friends whenever I felt my opinions and feelings weren’t valid enough to be discussed.
My help was my university counselor who sat down with me behind concealed walls and doors. The walls and the doors to me represented my life. That cookie-cutter lifestyle that I created for myself. In the beginning I even felt bitter about opening up to a stranger who had every intention to judge me silently and that things would always be the same because seeking help was useless and futile. But I had ran out of options…
Because if I had continued on the path I did before I started seeking professional help who knows where’d I’d be and as messed up as it may seems, I felt that it was somehow very cool that I’m the way I was: dark, lonesome, and violent..
Dark humor is embedded in me so I couldn’t change that no matter how hard I try but the help I received made me feel more self-aware, more tolerant, and more forgiving. It didn’t transform me or make me a better person so to speak but it helped me realize how I should look at my life and take control of it because it is MY life after all and no one should control it but me. And life is really so short so as much as I want to leave it sometimes, I can’t help but become more and more curious about what would happen if I pressed for another day and see what happens through my WHOLE life because I didn’t want myself to be part of my own life by living part of my life. No. It would be unfair to end life, regret existing, and give up then rot away because I, you, me, us, we all deserve to live life the way we want to once. What have we done to deserve it? Nothing. But that stands to be proven wrong.
Be the change you want to be in this world. Take a deep breathe and….smile. I’ll be there for you but I can only help you if you choose to help yourself first.
It’s also my birthday today haha #12ams #1ams now the #2ams …